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So, here is something I may never fully understand.  Being Responsible.  It just doesn’t sit well with me.  I’m not good at it, and I don’t respect or admire those who are.  I kinda feel sorry for them, and avoid them most of the time.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am very trustworthy, loyal to what some would call a fault, and willing to take responsibility always.  I’ll take responsibility for getting things done, for a difficult conversation, for mistakes I (or even others) have made… I have no problems taking blame or initiative… so in that way, I’m always the responsible party.  “yes, that was my brilliant idea.”  “yes, I was the one who forgot that part of the assignment.”  “yes, I can make sure that this group moves in that direction.”  “yes, I did it, I’m responsible.”

It’s the “doing the responsible thing” that gets me.

I don’t understand the thinking, I don’t respect the decision-making, I don’t admire anyone who chooses to put their own passions, interests, and desires aside to do the responsible thing instead.  My father did it – and it payed for my college degree.   But at what cost?  He has a granddaughter he never met.  He has a grandson who still misses him.   He died too young and left his wife to live out the retirement they worked for alone.  He spent his best years saving for a future he didn’t live to see.  I call that a waste.  And I’d trade in my college degree to have him back in my life in a heartbeat.

Delayed gratification I understand.  To a degree.  But I can’t seriously believe that I can put my life on hold while I earn enough to enjoy my life well.  Save for a rainy day, yes.  But refusing to spend anything because you might end up living in Seattle?

When opportunity knocks, don’t make excuses based on possible future events!  GRAB IT NOW.   Don’t let today’s sensible, responsible, reasonable decision turn into a regret that eats tomorrow.

Life is too short and unpredictable for regrets.  I choose to LIVE.

Guilt is powerful and important and it helps to shape our lives and our choices.

It can be the thing that stops you, or it can be the thing that moves you forward.  I think it is all about what you do with it.

When I feel guilt, I greet it, welcome it, thank it for arising.  And then I request the reasons for its visit.

“Shalom Guilt! Aloha! Here you are in my mind with words like, should, and ought.  I hear you and I’m wondering… WHY.  Why are you here today?  What have you to teach me about me?”

And then I listen.  Closely.  Not to the shoulds, or the oughts, but to the how-comes.

Are you here to remind me that I’ve made a choice that takes courage?  Thank you!  Yes, I am brave!

Are you here to point out that others are sharing in my choices?  Thank you!  I will remember to thank them again!

Are you here to challenge me to know my true reasons?   Thank you! I will state them again and see if there is more that I may have missed the last time.

Are you here to guide me to a next step? Thank you!  I will look ahead and remember!

Guilt is a wonderful gift when I remember to use it well.

So, I’ve been thinking about the skills required to reflect and change how you see a problem.

Like anything, reflection is made of specific discrete components.  If I think through how I think through something, here is what I come up with…

Observe an emotion when it arises. (oh I want to throw something!)

Pause.

Listen to the thoughts in your head. (that &%$#@!!! how dare she insult my intelligence!)

Identify the feelings behind them. (Whew!  I’m mad! )

Acknowledge the feeling as valid, let it have space.  (I don’t like being treated as an ignorant child.  Because I’m not!)

Assess what in this situation triggered that feeling.  (my first husband treated me that way)

Recognize what you are telling yourself about that situation. (I’m afraid she is trying to dominate me as he did)

Get to the root feeling. (I’m afraid.)

Evaluate the situation for other possible interpretations. (Maybe she’s afraid I don’t need her!)

Select a positive alternative. (She really wants me to reassure her and depend on her a little)

React to that which you CHOOSE to see. (I’ll smile, put a hand on her shoulder, and ask for her advice)

Observe the response. (She exhaled and relaxed!)

Rinse. Spit. Repeat. (I want to talk with her more!)

So. where do I get stuck?  I think it is always at PAUSE.

Slow down.  Stop and think.  Allow more time for others to slow down.  To stop and think.  To Pause and Reflect. To DECIDE how to react, rather than to just react.

And here I am back to fighting immediacraty again.

A Step-by-Step How-to Guide to Reading the Signs and Trusting Your Instincts

So, I keep thinking about what happens when you take over a project.  You know, when you are working with a group, and getting input and ideas and support, and then suddenly it lands in your lap.  It doesn’t matter if you were given the task of finishing it, or if you decided to take it over, somehow it feels different once you go off to work on it yourself.  Somehow the life it takes on becomes more private.  More YOURS.  It’s personal, it’s higher stakes, and it gets a little harder to share.

Maybe that’s a good thing because now someone is taking responsibility for it.  Or maybe it becomes more of a chore.

But what does it look like to the others?  Does it look like you are disposing of their contributions?  Or like you used them for ideas and now are taking credit for their work?

Does that depend on who is looking and what they have in their eyes to begin with?  Or does it only matter where your heart is and what your intentions are?

What happens when our project becomes my project?  Who really has to be okay  with it?  Me? or You?

Maybe it just becomes about communication.  But maybe that’s what it should have been about from the start.

So,  I posted this on Facebook, but I thought it was worth re-posting and this seems the right place for it.

The act of creating something is a gift. It is a gift you give yourself because nothing NOTHING feels as profoundly good as the act of creating.
Write something – a note or a journal entry – or a novel or an essay. Paint something – the wall in your kitchen, or a piece of pottery, or a canvas. Draw something – a design for a tattoo you’ll never get, a sketch of something you look at every day, draw yourself as a superhero. Make up a story, Make up new words to a favorite song, Hum your own tune, Bang pots and pans and march to the rhythm, Dance to the music in your head…
Bring something into the world that was not there before! Not because the world needs more STUFF – it doesn’t. But the world needs more acts of creation! The world needs your personal touch! The world needs you to express you as only you can!! The world needs more joy!
The remarkable thing about the act of creating is that it is one thing that feels sssssooooo good, that makes you feel amazed and amazing, and it isn’t fattening, illegal, dangerous, or immoral… it’s just good! It doesn’t matter what you create – or even if you choose to share it with anyone. The act itself is the gift! Laughter is a creation too! Make someone laugh and you’ve brought art into the world. Make yourself laugh, and you’ve gifted yourself twice (zero calories, zero carbs, zero points, zero fees, zero guilt)
Now, I have some friends who will tell you that it means nothing if it doesn’t ship – and if it doesn’t ship on time it means even less. But I’m here to tell you that if you are afraid to ship – if you are intimidated by the “experts” out there, if you think your work isn’t “good enough” for others to see – don’t let that fear stop you. Do it for yourself. YOU COUNT. There is no difference between making art for someone and making art for yourself. All that maters is that you create – something. That YOU enjoy it – even if just to laugh at your effort and discard it – is what matters. That moment of joy is worth a thousand thousand moments of creative potential avoided.
If I could give all the people I love (and I love you all) one gift, it would be the spark that makes you take a risk and create something. If I could have one super power, I would want the power to inspire everyone I know to just give it a try…give the world a single act of creativity and savor the joy it brings you…
I’ve spent a lot of time this summer creating…it is the best gift I’ve ever given myself… and now I want to give it away… not the silly things I’ve written, not the tunes I’ve hummed, or the steps I’ve danced, or the laughs I’ve had at my own expense, not the sketches I’ve made or the chords I’ve strummed, or even the meals I’ve cooked… what I want to give away is the freedom I’ve felt, the permission to create and the joy it brings.
So, that’s my gift to you. If you read this, and you are inclined to accept a gift from me, go create something, and enjoy doing it. You don’t have to tell me, I’ll know if you did because there will be a little more joy in the world – and the world needs more joy!

So, a friend has recently called my attention to how life has become too fast paced.

We “just real quick” one another in our haste to – to what exactly?  To be first?  To get ahead?  To race the rats?

Forget about stopping to smell the roses, what about just slowing down enough to do what we do with deliberate attention?  What, of all the things we do each day, would not benefit from a little more focused attention?  Which things we do would not be better if we just didn’t hurry through them?

It got me thinking about what it means to rush, and why we do it.  It got me thinking that drive-thru mentality, and instant access have a lot to do with an accelerated society.

Do you know that if you walk into a Taco Bell and order, they will take your order, take your money, get your food, and serve you in the time it takes to serve you.  If, however, you drive through, they have 75 seconds to get you on your way.  Unless it’s lunch hour.  At lunch hour, they have to get you through in under 50 seconds.  Why?  Because anything longer than that won’t hold  your attention, and will cause you to be dissatisfied with their service.

50 seconds?  Really?  We sure are an impatient people!

And how much quality do we get from that kind of service?  Speed bites and sound bumps have reduced us to both expecting minimal effort and excellence, but also to accepting and producing at “good enough” levels.

I don’t want to be measured in grams and ounces.  I don’t want to be reduced to a second hand.  I don’t want to be monitored for increments.

I want to keep my eye on the whole picture.  I want to see what I do contribute to the long game.  I want to make a quality impact on the life and times of those I interact with.  I want to expand my reach and trust that over time my refusal to settle for immediacraty will make a difference.

So, I’ve been thinking about regrets.

Those choices we wish we could have thought better of at the time…a word spoken in anger that hurt someone, an opportunity to be of help that we skirted for selfish reasons, a falsehood offered in excuse…those are more or less universal aren’t they?

But what about the bigger things?  Fork -in- the -road kinds of choices?  Which of those do we regret most?

Is it the decision to leap without looking and boldly go that we regret?

Or is it the choice to step with caution and protect ourselves?

So often we make these choices (consciously or not) to earn approval from someone – real or imagined – who we believe would think better of us for having done so. But can we ever guarantee that by being cautious and careful, nothing will go wrong and all will be well?  Can we be sure that by taking a chance and answering a call to step outside the box, things will turn out better in the long run?  Neither path promises the “best” or “perfect” outcome.  But one is about what’s possible, and the other is about safety.

For my experience, I think that real regrets are about opportunities passed up, not about risks taken. The miserable life is the one that wished, hoped and dreamed, but never took the chance.  The life that waited too long to grab for the brass ring.  That played it safe looking for praise or recognition instead of looking for the chance to make life richer.

So, if you want to hedge against regrets, I advise against the good and well marked path of caution, and instead encourage you to take to the woods. Carve your own path.  Stumble, fall, pick yourself up, make a note to look out for that road block in the future, but forge on.  Learn.  Always learn.  But resist the temptation to think you can be perfect, and your regrets will be far fewer!

Well, here it is.  The day I promised – who? Oh yeah, it is the day I promised MYSELF that I would announce this blog site to the world.  Well, for better or for worse,  here it is.

So,  you were present when someone threw an idea on the table that you liked.  They moved on, but  you can’t shake the thought that they were really on to something. You poke, prod, provoke and even provide fuel for the fire, but somehow they just don’t engage in the project.  You know this was a great idea, and that it really could do something if given the chance, but somehow you can’t get the originator to roll with it.

Time to consider that it just may be a  DIY.

Isn’t it possible that the idea was really for you all along?  It was thrown out there for you to grab and bring to life.  It was always your project, and it will never really happen until you jump into it.  That’s why you find it so inspiring.  That is why you are so impassioned by it’s possibilities.  It was always about getting you started.

And now that you have a vision of all it can be, now that you know why it has to be, now that you have done the ground work to help the idea along, it is time to take the leap and make it happen.

But it wasn’t MY idea, you say.  But I was supposed to be here just to help, you think.  But I don’t have the skills, the tools, the time, you complain.

The fact is, that this is your project – someone else bringing you the idea was just the trick you needed to help you find what you want created!  And now that you have started, don’t let that fearful part of your brain stop you with a string of excuses.  Go create it!

That idea was just a gift.  Say thank you, and go make something of it.